Steve's Journal
by Sheyrena Wyrsabane
Summary: Not wanting to take up his teammates' time with all of us questions about history/pop culture/etc, Steve keeps a notebook full of all of his questions, observations, and other things he wants to look up later when he gets a chance. Steve learns about Sarah Palin, the Jersey Shore, Youtube, and how to successfully troll the Avengers.


A/N: I don't think it's considered a spoiler, but there's a mention of what the villain does to its victims in Torchwood Season 1, Episode 2, and a reference to the American Jack Harkness.

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Captain Steve Rogers – Private (the notebook is private, I am not a private. Clearly I am a Captain.)

**Mission:** Understand Modern Culture without enduring the mocking of my team by asking them questions

**Day 1:** Thor insists on Keeping up with the Kardashians. I don't understand. Are these people super-human? How can they lift more than him? Maybe they just run faster? Why does this involve sitting in front of the TV?

**Kardashians Solved:** According to Google this is a TV show where it shows people living their lives. Reality TV. I don't understand the appeal.

**Day 3:** Two questions to be answered. First, what is this GTL chant of Tony's? I don't like all these new acronyms. Perhaps, I'll start dropping New Deal acronyms just to confuse my teammates. Second, can you really see Russia from Alaska? I hadn't realized the tectonic plates moved that quickly.

**Russia Solved:** Mrs. Palin appears to be confused, or perhaps she is making a joke, and I don't understand it. It is impossible for anyone (even Hawkeye) to view Russia from Alaska's shore. I'm going to write her a letter.

**Day 4:** Agent Coulson has confiscated my letter and informed me that I'm not allowed to correct politicians, because as Captain America I'm supposed to be unbiased in regards to political parties. I'm supposed to support America. I don't support an America where a guy's mail is opened and read. Actually, I'm pretty sure that's against the law. I wonder if I can get Coulson arrested.

**GTL Solved:** GTL stands for Gym-Tan-Laundry, and it derives from another popular reality television show called the Jersey Shore. I have learned that I don't care for reality television, but I don't understand Tony's preoccupation with GTL. I have to order him to report to the gym, he doesn't like tanning beds, because they remind him of Afghanistan, and I've never seen him do laundry in his life.

**Note:** People keep referencing Oompa-Loompas when talking about Snooki. I was hesitant to search them, but I'm glad I did. I don't think it's very kind to call her an Oompa-Loompa, but I enjoyed both Charlie and the Chocolate Factory movies, and I refuse to decide whether Gene Wilder or Johnny Depp made a better Willy Wonka.

**Note 2:** List of Johnny Depp movies to investigate (Pirates of the Caribbean, Rango, Public Enemies, From Hell, Edward Scissorhands).

**Day 5:** Making New Deal jokes was a bust. Got mad at Tony during training, and I told him if he didn't shape up I was sending him to the CCC. He just looked confused. Oh well.

**Day 6:** How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?

**Lollipop Solved:** Tony told me multiple trials were necessary for accurate results and offered to record the data for me. Tony is a perv and introduced me to this "age-old" question just to watch me lick lollipops. Learned nothing new.

**Day 7:** Every time we're on a bridge, Clint looks over at Tony and says "We're on a bridge, Charlie". This must be a reference, because Tony's name is not Charlie.

**Unicorn Solved:** What a stupid video. On a side note, Thor watched with me, and now when we cross bridges (sadly often since we live in New York) Thor booms out "We're on the Bifrost, Charlie".

**Day 9:** I have no idea how to greet people in this century. Handshake? Shoulder squeeze? Hug? Air kisses? Fist bump? Wave? There are too many options, and I know better than to ask Tony, but I'm not sure Google will be helpful.

**Saying Hello Unsolved:** The rules make no sense. After sports games: fist bump. Random Stranger: Try not to make eye contact (what happened to being friendly?). Female relative to female relative: Air kisses acceptable but not necessary. Close friend you've been apart from: Hug acceptable but not necessary. New acquaintance: Handshake. Business Partner: Handshake.

According to the data on how to interact with teammates, you're supposed to slap them on the backside, or at least that's what male football players and female volleyball players appear to do after their teammates do something correct. I don't believe I'm going to introduce this to the Avengers.

**Day 10:** How the hell heck—hell (this is my journal I can curse all I want) am I supposed to order a coffee at Starbucks?

**Coffee Solved (sort of):**

Short = 8oz, must ask for by name or will receive Tall. Can only have hot drinks in this size

Tall = 12oz

Grande = 16oz (Pronunciation: Grawn-day)

Venti = 20z (hot), 24oz (cold) (Pronunciation: Venn-tee)

**In summary:** Short size is only for hot drinks, a tall is what you receive if you order a small, a grande is what you get if you order a medium, and a venti size changes depending on what drink you order.

**Note:** Only order basic coffee, because the drinks get really confusing after that.

**Note Two:** Never trust Tony's judgment on caffeinated drinks

**Note Three:** Find a new coffee shop

**Day 11:** Why does Tony keep calling me Jack Harkness?

**Non-Identity Crisis Solved:** I am not Jack Harkness even though he was in the American army and died under "mysterious circumstances" in 1941.

**Day 12:** I refuse to answer to Jack, Harkness, Harky, Lochness (that doesn't even make sense, Tony) or Cap Jack. On the other hand, I have begun watching Torchwood. Why is there sex in the second episode? I thought sex wasn't allowed to be shown on TV?

**Sex on TV Solved:** Apparently sex is sometimes acceptable on TV. In America, HBO is allowed to show nudity, (Thor suggests I start watching the Tudors because it is "a splendid example of the perks of being a monarch as well as the treachery that lurks around every corner") and there are special channels for pornography (Tony, Clint, and Natasha have all offered to show me their favorites. I'm going to pass).

**Note:** I'm pleased that I've managed to shock my teammates. I was telling them about Torchwood and how the men exploded after sex, and Tony patted me on the head and told me that my 40s euphemisms were cute. I had to sit him down and show him the episode before he'd believe that they actually exploded. I didn't have long to gloat, because then there were girls making out, and Tony got distracted. Go figure.

**Day 13:** Finally got around to looking up Legolas. I've been meaning to do that since the Battle of Manhattan. Lord of the Rings are good movies. Also, in three days Clint is going to have a blonde wig delivered in his name. I can't wait.

**Day 16:** Clint got his delivery and isn't amused. He also blames Tony, and I was upset that I wasn't getting credit for my brilliance, but since he's sworn revenge, I'm just going to keep quiet.

**Day 17:** Clint put itching powder in the Iron Man suit and then overrode the unlocking protocols. I'm so glad everyone things I'm culturally backwards and so could have nothing to do with this. Also glad I used Tony's credit card to make the wig order.

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Starbucks info courtesy of: sbucks/

. ?thread=15378264#t15378264


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